Things You Thought You’d Never Say as a Parent

parenting, humor, funny

When you become a parent, you find yourself saying the oddest things at times. Things you never thought you’d say. Sometimes words come out of your mouth and you will think, “Did I ACTUALLY just say that?” Many times these things are hilarious. Recently, I polled some moms to find out theirs. So here are the responses I received. Prepare to laugh at the things you thought you’d never say as a parent.

Things You Never Thought You’d Say About Bathroom Talk

“Its rude to announce that you’ve farted in a crowded restaurant.”

“Stop playing in the toilet.”

“We don’t poop in the kitchen! We poop in the potty!”

“Awesome, you learned to fart by yourself!” (after 4 months of cycling newborn legs)

“Please stop talking about the word ‘butthole’!”

“Don’t touch your butthole!”

“Don’t put your hands in your diaper!”

“Don’t wipe poop in your bellybutton!

“Toilets are for going to the bathroom, not for you to bathe your barbies!”

“Spread your cheeks I need to see your butt.”

“Get your hands out of your butt!”

“Stop pulling turd balls out of your diaper!”

“Your not supposed to play with poop.”

“Don’t dump your poop on the floor!”

“You don’t poop out of your penis.”

Things You Never Thought You’d Say as a Boy Mom

“Yeah son, your penis goes up and down.”

“Don’t pull it you might rip it off! You may need that!”

“Stop playing with your penis!”

“Stop playing with your penis. You don’t need to make it big.”

“Nobody needs to know that your weeny was shaking.”

Things You Never Thought You’d Say About Pets

“You’re not a dog, do not drink out of his bowl!”

“Stop eating the dog food!”

“Stop petting the cat with your fork and finish your breakfast!!!”

“Don’t touch the dog’s balls!”

“Let go of the dog’s balls!”


“Please don’t touch cats butt.”

Things You Never Thought You’d Say About Eating

“Don’t eat your boogers! Eww! That’s gross!”

“Don’t eat your rocks, get them out of your mouth!”

Things You Never Thought You’d Say About Licking

“We don’t lick shoes!”

“Stop licking the outlet!”

“Stop/ don’t lick your boots!”

“Are you licking the toilet?! We don’t lick toilets!!”

Things You Never Thought You’d Say About ‘Bad’ Words

“Please don’t say f***, only momma can say it.”

“Oh my god, is that s*** all over your face?” (Nope, just brown eyeliner)

To my father when my son was a few weeks old: “That baby…” (points to infant) “…is an a******!”

“Do not call your brother a mother f*****!”

Things You Never Thought You’d Say About Yucky Things in General

“Get out of the garbage can!”

“Is that poop on the cupboard?”

“Stop chewing on the plunger.”  (BOTH my boys did that at the same age)

“Stop smelling everyone’s butt!”

“Are you sniffing my butt?! Please stop sniffing my butt!”

“Is that chocolate or poop?” (puts nose as close to brown matter without touching it as possible) “Oh, just chocolate! Phew!”

“Why did you wipe the poop on the walls? How did this happen?”

Things You Never Thought You’d Say About the Body

“Stop playing with your nipples.”

“Stop flashing everyone! Pull your shirt down.”

“Can you PLEASE stop digging your hand into my belly button?!”

“Stop biting my butt cheek.”

“Stop smacking your butt.”

“Quit mooning me!”

“Stop licking Sissy’s nipple!”

“He’s not growing a penis FROM his vagina…. he just doesn’t HAVE a vagina.”

(3 YO girl watching me change almost 2 YO boy’s diaper)
*Her: (HUGE gasp)”OH NO!!!! It’s getting bigger!!! Does that mean he’s growing?”
Me: “Nope. Sometimes a boy’s penis just does that.”
Her: “Um… that’s disgusting.”

“Do not teach him it’s called a TALLYWACKER!”
My 3 y/o: “Mom, (brother) has a ‘WALLYWACKER’”
Me to my husband and daughter: “(Daughter) and (Husband), it’s PENIS! Not a tally or Wally-walker!!”

Miscellaneous Things You Never Thought You’d Say

“Get out of Nana’s butt!”

“Yes, my baby can come to the pub.”

“Please don’t step in that puddle/pile of snow! Didn’t I just say don’t do that!?”

“Stop bouncing the ball off your brother’s head!”

“Get your balls off your brother!”

“Get that out of your nose/ear/mouth!”

“No, we do not stuff that up our nose!”

My friend who did IVF said to her newborn colicky baby: “I can’t believe I spent all that money for you!”

“For the hundredth time, stop shoving your elbow in my boob!”

“Stop dancing around naked!”

“Don’t lick your sisters forehead/face.”

“No, the refrigerator is not going to get you.”

“You have used up your ‘mama’ allowance for the day. Tomorrow let’s try to call me under 4000 times.”

“Go play with your balls!”

“I’ll give you a Rice Krispie treat if you sit down”

Have kids, they said. It will be fun, they said. Well, it is. Usually. Hope you got a nice laugh out of these. I had tears in my eyes from cracking up at the submission. Thank you to all the moms who contributed!

What is something you thought you’d never say as a parent? Leave it in the comments below to join in the fun.

For more mom humor, check out the Real Mom Confessions series HERE.




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About Lisa Wingerter

I'm a 32 year old, married, stay-at-home-mom from the Metro Detroit area

View all posts by Lisa Wingerter →

22 Comments on “Things You Thought You’d Never Say as a Parent”

  1. These are hilarious and so very true! I’m a daycare provider and don’t know how many times I have caught myself saying things like “No, you have to have pants on before you can have snack.” or “It is not acceptable or nice to potty on our friends!” I seriously could write a whole book on this – obviously so could you! LOVE IT!

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