Mom Truth – Humorous Things They Don’t Tell You About Motherhood

Mom Truth

 

Can you handle the Mom Truth? There are so many things about motherhood that are joyful. As you’ll see on any forum, facebook group, play group, social media platform, moms love their children to pieces. They will all make it look perfect and fun and easy. It’s not. At least not all of it. I’m here to shine some light on the parts of motherhood you wont see in that Facebook mommy group. The parts that nobody is bragging about. The parts that make you shake your head and just laugh. This is the mom truth!

Mom Truth #1 – Your Body Will Be Different

You encounter this a lot with celebrity moms. They had a baby 4 seconds ago, and they are on Instagram of twitter looking perfect and talking about getting their pre-baby body back. I’m here to tell you that its all a lie.

Yes, you can lose the weight, you can get in shape. You can even end up in better shape than you were pre-baby. However, pregnancy and birth change your body. It will never be exactly as it was.

mom truth - body image

 Example

I am actually at my pre-baby weight. Go ME! I actually got there within 6 months of giving birth. However, when I excitedly tossed aside the maternity clothes and dug out my pre-pregnancy wardrobe, I was shocked.

Those skinny jeans were NEVER coming up over my hips again. Ever. Despite being back to my normal weight, I cant seem to get rid of that mom pouch. Its small and subtle, but its there. And that c section scar? It ain’t going anywhere anytime soon.

My husband tells me I look great. And I’m sure I look just fine. But not the same. In a million tiny ways that only I would ever notice, I am different. But its okay. This is who I am now. My body did an amazing thing by making a life, and every little change reminds me of that fact.

 

 

Mom Truth #2 – Nature Will Call at Inopportune Times

Picture it. It’s the middle of the night, and the whole house is fast asleep. You, however, are awake (sort of) for the 4th time feeding your starving infant. Suddenly, your tummy begins to grumble and rumble. Uh oh! Dilemma time.

Now, you have a decision to make. Do you A) stop feeding your famished infant, place them safely in the crib, and make a run for the bathroom? B) Wake up your sleeping husband and pray he is coherent enough to take over for a few moments? C) Swoop into the bathroom while still cradling and feeding your baby and let nature take its course?

Most moms wont openly admit it, but we have all at least peed at some point in our lives with a baby or toddler in our lap. It happens. Its not pretty or ideal but its real life. Be prepared to share your bodily functions with another human when you become a mom.

mom truth nature calls

Mom Truth #3 – Life Will Revolve Around Another Human’s Bodily Functions

Speaking of the unspeakable bathroom behaviors, your life as a mom will often-times revolve around another person’s bathroom habits. And not just your baby’s.

Obviously, the first several years of motherhood will be spend elbow deep in diapers. Everyone knows that. Then comes potty training. You will find yourself obsessing over whether or not your toddler needs to pee, when their last pee was, when will their next pee occur, and so on.

mom truth bathroom

However, your life may also revolve around your husbands potty time. Everyone knows the joke about husbands disappearing into the bathroom with their phone for ungodly amounts of time. Many moms joke that it takes them less time to birth an entire baby than it takes their husbands to poop. This is true for some. You will find that getting a break from your child or being able to do things like bathe will suddenly be dependent on when, why, and how long your significant other occupies the bathroom. Be prepared.

 

Mom Truth #4 – There Will Be Times You Hate Your Husband

Its not real hate (hopefully) but more of a temporary resentment. You may need a mommy time out after a particularly harrowing day with the kids, but your husband is on an hour-long poop-a-thon. Or maybe he will say something like “I think the baby needs (to eat, to be changed, be whatever) and you will curse his name under your breath and wonder why you married this man child that is absolutely no help.

Hormones ladies. Hormones and frustration and exhaustion. Try not to react in the moment (unless you have a BFF with bail money handy) because this too shall pass. The reality is hopefully that you have a wonderful, supportive husband who helps you constantly in a million little ways, and you are just having a mom-rage moment. If not, I recommend investing in a cast-iron skillet.

mom truth husband

Mom Truth #5 – You’re Going to Screw Up

Most moms obsess over what they need to do to properly raise their child. We study all the safe-sleep guidelines, and how to properly use car seats, and how, when, and what to feed baby. And we all do our best. But there will be times where you screw it up. You do something your pre-mommy-self swore you’d never ever do, or let happen.

Story time

I was laying on my king-sized bed with my baby. I was exhausted. He wasn’t sleeping through the night. He was young. Not yet crawling. I was trying to get him to nap. Well, I fell asleep too. Somehow, my child decided to choose that moment to learn to scoot in his sleep. He scooted all the way across the king mattress to the edge, and took a dive right off.

mom truth oops

I woke immediately and panicked. My husband was home, and he was freaked out too. How on earth could I let this happen? I knew better! Was my boy okay? What if he wasn’t? I’m a terrible mother! All thoughts that raced through my mind.

But you know what? He survived. I didn’t tell any of my mommy friends at first because clearly I was the most horrible parent to ever exist, right? Well, over time, I began admitting it to close friends. Guess what? I wasn’t the only one who’d made this mistake. Not hardly.  You’re going to screw up sometimes. Learn from it, and let it go. Don’t beat yourself up because we’ve all been there at one point or another.

 

Mommy Truth #6 – The First Year You’ll Be Covered in Miscellaneous Baby Fluids

No matter what you do, or how tidy you are, that first year will be full of baby fluids. Often times, mysterious and unidentifiable. Is it spit up? Spilled cereal? Something unspeakable?

Furthermore, you will go out in public, completely unaware that you have this mystery goo on you at times. Until someone points it out, that it.

“Hey, what’s that on your shirt?”

“Shut up, Sarah. You see nothing!”

It happens. We all experience it. Doesn’t make it any more fun. But it is a sort of un-talked-about right of passage into mommyhood.

mom truth baby fluids

Mom Truth #7 – You Will Lose Your Sh!t

Kids can be a handful at times. They go through behavioral stages, and some of them are downright maddening. The “No” stage, where no matter what you say, your child tells you “No!” is a personal favorite. Or the I’m Not Listening At All” stage. Or the “I am Going to Do Exactly as You Asked, but as Slowly as Physically Possible” phase, which my son is currently in.

Even the coolest, most even-tempered moms I know, have all completely lost their sh!t at one point or another. It happens. We don’t mean to, but the children we create seemed to all be programed to push every single one of our buttons at times.

mom truth anger frustration

 

 

Mom Truth #8 – Long Live the Snack B!tch

Sometimes I feel like the only reason I exist on this planet is to serve snacks on demand to my family. I went to college and had good grades. I worked hard in my life. How on earth did I end up the designated snack b!tch of my household? The mystery remains unsolved.

You will be required to serve the snacks, on demand, and usually right after you finally get to sit down and relax for a moment. See, children can sense when you are relaxed, resting, or just at peace, and are programmed to immediately disturb it. I am convinced.

mom truth snacks

You will finally plop down on the sofa after doing about a million things in a single day. Kick those feet up and flip on the tv. Click to your favorite guilty-pleasure show and press play. That’s when it happens.

“Mom, I’m hungry.”

“Mommy, I want (insert whatever here)!”

“Mom, can I have something to drink?”

Never. Effing. Fails. I swear.

Mom Truth #9 – Your Child’s Inappropriate Behavior Will Make You Laugh

Kids are outrageous. Especially before they understand the concept of appropriate behavior. They will literally do or say anything at any time, and you are powerless to stop it. It will embarrass you. It may anger you. But it will, at times, make you laugh.

I know, I know, they all say never to laugh. It only encourages the bad behavior. However, when your child drops a perfectly timed expletive, or tells a stranger in line at the grocery store that “My mom doesn’t have a penis,” it will be difficult to keep it together sometimes.

mom truth kids make you laugh

Example

My son’s bad behavior of choice is bad words. For the most part, all the adults in his life work hard at censoring out those words when he is around. But thanks to tv, radio, people in public, and a million other things, my son has figured out all those undesirable words. To the point where my husband had to sit him down and tell him what words were bad and that we don’t say. However, that technique backfires from time to time. I’ll give you an example.

My husband and I were driving home one night. Our son was in his own little world, strapped in the car seat behind us. Hubs and I were talking quietly to each other. He sees a car coming at us down the middle of the street. He asked me, “Why is this guy driving in the middle of the road?” I proceed to tell him that the other driver is trying to miss the “big ass hole the city busted up in the road.” I whispered this. The radio was on. There was no way my son should’ve heard me.

BUT he did. From the backseat I hear, “Momma, don’t say ‘BIG ASSHOLE’. That’s a bad word!” The tone and the way he combined the words that I said separately to give it a whole new meaning, along with the fact that I was overtired from a very long day caused me to burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it. Mom Fail.

To be fair, I composed myself and followed up with a lecture on why I was sorry I said those words, promised I wouldn’t say them again, and why he shouldn’t repeat them. But I was still holding back giggles.

 

Mom Truth #10 – Not Every Moment Will Be a Joy

Parenting and motherhood is wonderful. The love you will have for your child is more powerful than words can truly describe. There will be a million amazing little moments. A spontaneous hug or kiss, a little hand reaching out for yours, a tiny “I wuv you!” directed at you. It is so much fun to watch them grown and learn and explore. You get to see their personality develop as they evolve into the person they will become.

However, there are moments you wont love, and that’s ok. Being barfed on for the fourth time today, attempting to scrub permanent marker off the wall because you mistakenly turned your back for 2 seconds, and waking up every 2 hours to feed and change a diaper will not be fun moments. The sassiness, the lack of listening, the defiance of the toddler years and teenage years also leave something to be desired. Don’t even get me started on the potty training fiasco. These moments sometimes downright suck. But that’s fine. Its all part of the journey.

Mom Truths - humor

What’s Your Favorite Mom Truth?

Do you have something about parenting or motherhood that nobody told you about? Something that took you by surprise? Share them in the comments below! I look forward to hearing them!

 

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About Lisa Wingerter

I'm a 32 year old, married, stay-at-home-mom from the Metro Detroit area

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21 Comments on “Mom Truth – Humorous Things They Don’t Tell You About Motherhood”

  1. Truth #1: My pooch seems to be growing… And my breasts shrunk back to nonexistent but with loose skin that falls out of my bra when I bend over, yay!
    Truth #2: Definitely C. And digestion kicking in just when you should be sleeping.
    Truth #3: Wish I had my husband’s long bathroom time with privacy.
    Truth #4: Yea husband, thanks for telling me what needs to be done rather than doing it and then telling me its done. I don’t blame the hormones lol.
    Truth #5: My kid has also fallen off my bed. And off his bed after switching his crib to a toddler rail. Countless mistakes and more to come.
    Truth #6: And your kid will be covered too, or they will spit up all over you and themselves while nursing at a playground because your other child needed to get out. Not to mention those diaper blowouts where you end up throwing away their clothes and making new ones in public out of blankets.
    Truth #7: With a 1 year old and 3 year old I lose my shit many times a day, nap time is my calm down time.
    Truth #8: They get their own water, snacks will have to wait til mealtime.
    Truth #9: I had to learn to rename my bad words, I love bad words for emphasis, because our son learned how to say bullshit at age 1 and we had to convince him it was blue cheese because it didn’t come out that clearly yet. With time we tell him some words are bad and now he randomly tells us “don’t say that word!” but to whatever he chooses. FAIL, he doesn’t quite get it yet.
    Truth #10: The melt me with love. And they also drive me a little crazy. Wouldn’t change a thing.

    Can you tell I really enjoyed this post? 🙂

  2. One thing that surprised me was how I could deal with the big stuff… but the smallest thing could make me lose it. Parenting can give you the highest highs… but also the lowest lows. Thankfully the lows are few and far between mostly.

  3. This is a fun post, and true! You took me down memory lane, as I am now seeing this in my Grandkids. I can tell you are enjoying the littles, even if it’s challenging at times. I like that saying “Enjoy the little things in life for one day you will look back and realize they were the BIG things”…

  4. All so true and one more to add… you’re doing fine. Accept it all. And even though these days seem endless (only because they are), they also go blindingly fast. One day you look up and they’re graduating high school and then college. Even though I wouldn’t go back to “live” in those days anymore (they’re too hard), I’d certainly love to visit.

  5. All so true! I’m reading this after clearing up a lovely poo explosion. I had just bathed my 10 month old son and set him down on the floor while I went to get a nappy. He decided to do a nice big runny poo at this moment while crawling across the floor, off course in my rush I didn’t notice and picked him up while standing in the poo so by the time I investigated where the smell was coming from there is crap all over the floor, all down me, all over my shoes and all over my freshly bathed baby! Just thought I would share my joys of motherhood from today!

  6. Mom Truth #2… When my oldest was maybe 4-6 weeks old and going through a growth spurt, I was eating and drinking water like crazy to keep up. He was in a marathon nursing session and I had to pee. I tried to wait it out, but little man was not having me try to pop him off. So… I let him continue nursing and used one had to hold him while I did everything else with the other so I could pee!

  7. Wow I agree with all of these! So many snacks, so much bladder control lost, so much hating my husband (though I love him!). It can all get pretty rough but what else can you do but crazy cackle about it?!!

  8. I apparently didn’t watch my mouth in front of my three year old… because while at Target one day, he stood up in the cart and started pointing to people while yelling, “you’re a pain in the a$$” repeatedly. I don’t remember saying that phrase in front of him, but I have said it jokingly to my husband, so I’m guessing he heard me.

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